i fear...

what i fear to feel and see...
could it be real?
or have i made it too easy for it to be this way
i can feel..
i am just a backup plan
the words in my mind are so loud..
but the questions that i seem to want to ask cannot be sound
i am going away...
i wish you could come with me...
but i can see that you are reluctant
i know where this junction will lead to..
i am just trying my best not to see it
am i just afraid?
wish i can just keep smiling and hope that everything will be alright again...
or am i living a dream again...

river flows in

i have tried..
i gave it my best..
just want you to feel and be treated the best
i want nothing in return
its time for me to flow with the river
the time is closer..
can see you suffering
i don't want to see anything but a smile
want nothing but the best for you..
always...

by force..

i will try till i have to force myself to give it up
i know what is coming
i cannot face it
i sat down quietly and shed tears
i cannot show up
i don't want to be seen

as long as i can do it happily

i am okay with the hurt that i have to bear
i know i won't last long
i cannot watch it much longer
i know it has come to an end...
give me a chance to see a couple more days...
i know i am a loser...

i can never handle anything right...
that's what you get for living a life of a living ghost...

Love The Way You Lie...

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High of a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer
I sufficate
And right before im about to drown
She resuscitates me
She fucking hates me
And I love it
Wait
Where you going
I'm leaving you
No you ain't
Come back
We're running right back
Here we go again
It's so insane
Cause when it's going good
It's going great
I'm Superman
With the wind in his bag
She's Lois Lane
But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills
Used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom
And these words
When you spit 'em
You push
Pull each other's hair
Scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down

Pin 'em
So lost in the moments
When you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over
It controls you both
So they say it's best
To go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today
That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
Sound like broken records
Playin' over
But you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Now I know we said things
Did things
That we didn't mean
And we fall back
Into the same patterns
Same routine
But your temper's just as bad
As mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love
You're just as blinded
Baby please come back
It wasn't you
Baby it was me
Maybe our relationship
Isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens
When a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is
I love you too much
To walk away though
Come inside
Pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity
In my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed
I'll aim my fist
At the dry wall
Next time
There will be no next time
I apologize
Even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

my lost

today...
i lost something really important to me
i don't know what i could have done better..
i thought i could leave..

my eyes are so painful
my tears keep eating up my eyes
my vision so blur
i will stay on till i can't
life isn't fair
i will promise not to betray everything
i am no longer that precious one
i am merely a living ghost
all i can do is be a shadow
a shadow of existence yet non existence
i can only wish...
to wish
that one day...
everything will and can be mine...

pocketful of daisies...

i feel so alone..
how much more can i take...
days are coming to a number
i hate the feeling where i cannot chose..
which direction i want to make
what time i want to get things done
i revolve my life too much around others..
i feel happy when i make others happy..
but has it come to the point where its my turn??
i hope soon i will be able to walk away from it all
why am i so weak...
why can't i just see what it is all about
i am no ones priority
what has it become to just me, being by myself
i miss my solitude
*help*

autumn..

fall was my favorite season
was looking through my old times..
reminiscence the good times growing up..
2003..
seems like a long time ago...
i miss things being this way
dependent...and subtle..
autumn...
still the best season to look forward to every year...
and never once failed to bring winter for the following season..
i wish to have autumn one more time...

change the world

things are not easy

i can't seem to overcome things

has it come to a new change?

or i have to leave

i can't understand..

i can't forgive

and i can't forget

i hate this matter rolling like a ball

hitting at all surfaces...

*i need a safe place*

disappearance!!!

Can't see why I am here..

Can't see if life is right...

Can't see the if I can make things right....

i wish...

you will hold my hand through everything

......

just as simple as that....

dark skies..

its days like this..

i want to cuddle underneath my soft blanket

leaning against the wall

reading a book

and *sigh* to myself

what a comforting feeling

*slaps* self..

back to reality...

The FairyTale...*

We marvel at our solitary existence..

When we know certain things are never done alone..

We work hard for things,

Yet life offers surprises we don’t even have to earn..

Then we realize, it’s finally our turn,

To seize the moment…to fall..to LOVE

the special day

after 9 months
i feel special and something for this place
up in the hills
this is a special spot i will keep this secret
maybe one day i will get to open this door once again
i have wished it for 16 years
i would and might do it again...

a year later....

i missed posting my deepest thoughts

its like a log that i have never learn to complete

my concentration is just for a second

thinking out loud

i have never learn

never learn my lesson

my thoughts are always never sound

i never learn

all this seems so familiar

yearning my solitude

its near...

what you can't see

back here in my room
fine it all a bliss
the emptiness
slow
i can't sleep
not knowing how things will be like tomorrow
my mind fidgets
i don't want to always have to dream..
i can't wait for changes

i wuv you...

a special day
a special event
almost18 years down the road
ever waited moment
i got to witness
i felt so happy
watching this moment...
they are my blessing

4am in the morning

i felt cold
i woke up
i can't sleep back again
*help*

Empty

running on empty for 10 minutes
during the jam
so not funny...
couldn't find Shell station
haha..
almost needed road side assistance
>.<

"Re-Editing" my life

just got back from a trip down to KL
recovering
>.<
i feel lost sitting here
feeling neither here nor there
i have tons to do
but i rather sit here and click on the rather usual crap
i need sleep
my eyes and face is showing signs of tired-ness
just want that feeling back like yesterday
staring at the road
focusing on that dotted line
my mind just blank with concentration
i love that distraction

Uttering words

my words...my world....mutter...mutter mutter...

*i miss this* >.<